What we meant to say is that we’re not really celebrating Christmas this year. We’re not acknowledging it in any way (except for our movie). But we remembered the wonderful entries we did last year about Krampus. And since this year we feel like Krampus, we thought we’d combine all three of them into on giant “Fuck You, Christmas 2016.”
Without further ado, pretend we’re Ed McMahon and…Here’s Krampus! (Be sure to real all the way down — we saved the best til last with #3.)
We mentioned earlier this month that we’re big fans of Krampus, and we meant it.
For those of you who don’t know, Krampus is the anti-Santa, or Santa’s dark companion. The legend goes that Santa is such a softie (or one of those annoying people who can’t deal with someone not liking him…), that he leaves the actual punishing of bad children to someone else. And that someone else is Krampus.
While he’s known by many different names in different countries, what he does is always the same: whips naughty children with a bundle of birch sticks and rusty chains, then shoves them into baskets and takes them to hell. He eats the especially bad ones for his Chirstmas dinner. (What cocktail do you think goes with roast child?)
We’re not sure what a kid would have to have done to become Christmas dinner, but apparently we never did it — since we’re still here as opposed to ever have been eaten and/or taken down to hell. (We have been to New Jersey though; that’s sort of hell.)
Our words of advice until Christmas are: behave yourselves kids! Krampus could be right around the corner…
You know, our first “Greetings from Krampus” was pretty clear about what was going on: two kids getting stuffed in a basket, presumably being carried down to hell. This one though isn’t quite that clear.
We definitely have Krampus, and as might be expected he’s riding one of the bundle of switches that he beats children with. Again, presumably back down to hell. But what’s up with the babies?
Krampus’s deal is to punish naughty children. While children of a certain age can certainly be quite evil (“The Bad Seed”), we’re not sure about babies. Yes, they’re completely annoying, but evil? Maybe their parents didn’t want them anymore and sold them to Krampus; we could have seen ourselves doing that if we had been stupid enough to get a baby/babies.
We do have to say that none of these babies are particularly good looking, so we don’t think anyone will be that upset. The last one from the end looks a little like Zippy the pinhead. Then the second one from left looks like baby Mason Reese. And we’re not sure what’s up with the last one who’s pretending to be posing on a bearskin rug.
Since Krampus is supposed to roast the naughtiest children and eat them for Christmas dinner, perhaps that’s why he’s collecting babies: aren’t they sort of the veal of humans, after all? (HEY OH!)
We don’t know about you all, but considering this menu, we’re hoping to get an invitation to Krampus’s Christmas dinner this year!
Pretty self explanatory. "Danger - The Krampus Lands!" (SIDEBAR: we plan to loudly announce "Achtung! Der Krampus landet!" when we arrive at every Christmas party we've been invited to this season.)
This Krampus looks particularly demonic. And mean. And he knows how to fly a plane…or whatever that thing he's in is. (Which can't be all that easy with cloven hooves...)
Krampus seems like he'd be bad enough just walking around, but think about how many naughty children he can spot and then pick up in a flying machine.
Achtung, kids. Hope you obeyed your parents this year or you just might be taking an unexpected ride soon. Don't forget to write!